AlwaysLivid

Functional partitioning (of self)

Authored by Panos Vasilopoulos, 20 Nov 2020

Why would you ever want to be the odd one out?

You may expect to see some sort of a proclaration or a hissy fit directed at society, but this is all about me.

I get lots of thoughts. Lots of thoughts that cross my mind, most of which cannot be even discussed, simply because they are too far-fetched for the people I normally talk to. No, I don't think that I am smarter than other people-- we all have our own sets of abilities, it's more about processing certain topics that the average person has no motivation (or even reason) to process.

If there's a thing that I've known ever since I was a youngling, it is that I am different. It may sound as the most cliché sentence a person around my age could articulate, but I get too fixated on specific topics, especially when talking about them. I get driven by so much passion to the point where I've been told that I come across as "aggressive", "abrupt", that "I talk loudly" or sometimes a bit rude. And that's something that seems to be beyond my control-- I try to fix up my tone, but that is a conscious effort that I immediately forget about after a few seconds.

My truth is that I am passionate. I can talk for hours on end if the circumstances allow me to, particularly because I love doing so. I can keep on typing paragraphs about my experiences in this document right here until I find myself in the position where I have to implement a whole new feature in order for my blog to support multiple pages. Here. I can ramble about many things. Right now, I'm typing mostly spontaneously on a keyboard and I'm just carrying on. It's subconscious. I'm building entire mental flowcharts in my brain that involve topics like how certain disadvantaged groups may choose to attack another disadvantaged group, because they believe that the particular group oppresses them. They perpetuate the lies that directly benefit the group that actually actively oppresses them, which gradually evolves into a full-blown food chain that won't allow the oppressed to see where it begins. They all blame the neighboring links. Hell, I even made this blog as a way to retain those quickly decaying trains of thought as a way of preserving them, as if I were putting protective coating in them, or, alternatively, reconstructing them with stainless steel, rather than having to build them again from scratch. If they were notes, they'd be gone forever already.

Oops, sorry, got off-topic twice in a row right there. But yeah, that was I'm talking about.

You just can't bring up many of those things with the average, or the most advanced conversators, solely because they are way too chaotic and specific. I'm talking about thoughts mostly consist of complicated interpretations of the world, which I can never mention the source of, because I'm only going to end up positioning myself in a disadvantageous and vulnerable position. ("Why would I think about minority groups at all, or so much?")

Those interpretations are results of things that I see happening, that I listen from other people, that I see in other people. People sometimes downplay my experience due to pointless characteristics that they see in me, which is why I am not really open about factors such as age on the internet, for example.

I always have to curate myself. In order to function normally, I have to curate myself. As a response to that statement that I've made before, I'm told to be myself. But I am myself. The only difference is that I act as a partitioned version of myself. Some see me as a stoic, a self-deprecating person with low confidence, a person with high confidence and hope. Passionate, helpful, or self-centered.

The few cases where people have observed the full spectrum of myself are the cases where I've been left to work with a creative project or a particularly advanced problem. I've also felt that way with people that can talk in ways that put me out of my depth. And by that, I mean, like, different, but similar in the way the communicational aspect works. I'm talking about clarity, rather than a choreography.

I'm like a puzzle piece floating in space. I'm being doubted, disadvantaged, occasionally put on a spotlight, then thrown away from it in a completely arbitrary fashion. As far as the frequency is concerned, I'd say often enough to the point where my frame of mind can be compared to a turbulent airplane. Huh, now that I think of it, I am oppressed.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm saying a lot of "I"'s. I may be different, but it's statistically improbable that I'm the only person sitting behind the bars of conformism. I put on pseudo-"façade"-s in order to ensure that my role in society will remain functional. For me, it's annoying, rather than lonely. I'm not a liar.

I have my outlets and my means of self-development. I know where I'm supposed to be. I know my place. I know where to find it. I am considerably thankful for that.

However, I'm now more worried about the other pieces who don't, because my "illicit generalization" somehow still does make sense, oddly enough, despite the insufficient sample. Nobody is immune to deception, especially when that deception ironically stems from good-intentioned honesty. And, from the opposite perspective, being convincingly deceiving is surprisingly efficient, especially when you're actually being honest.

Maybe this isn't actually just about me. Maybe this all was a rant. Maybe, just maybe, this simply cannot be just about me. There must be other people whose only similarity with me is the differences we share from others.

However, I really hope not. The only thing that I hope for is that this interpretation is strictly bound to my own experiences and only and that no other person helplessly hovering around. Or that, eventually, nobody will ever have to do that ever again.

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